➡ Being “nice” (even when it’s not warranted)
➡ Being agreeable (aka suppressing our own thoughts and opinions)
➡ Being self-sacrificing (this is often disguised as being a “team player”)
I know this is true because I was once a young girl and I’m now raising one myself. The expectations are real.
And if we don’t have enough guidance or strong female role models as youth, then these behaviors can take over in adulthood.
Basically, we roll over. Not because we necessarily want to or because we don’t have thoughts or opinions ourselves, but because we have been conditioned to do so.
When I started my career I was over the top with these behaviors, but that’s because I truly didn’t know any better. After all, it was what I had been taught.
So naturally the feedback I received from the managers at my first jobs (all male, by the way) was are follows:
👉 “You need to be more aggressive.”
👉 “You need to speak up more…and talk louder, too.”
👉 “You need to STOP being nice and START thinking about yourself!”
Needless to say, I was confused. Very confused. I was doing precisely what I was raised to do, and now I was watching as my male counterparts were “aggressively” working their way to the top, getting promotions, etc. And there I was, just being nice and reliable like your favorite canine friend. 🐶
As I grew older and more confident I began to use my voice, but then learned the hard way that you have to be careful with that, too. If you know, you know.
(The Barbie movie perfectly paints the contradiction women face. Do a search for America Ferrara’s speech “It’s literally impossible to be a women.”).
I’ll be the first to admit that I have a lot to learn, but one thing I do know is this: no matter where you are on your journey, and particularly if you are a woman, it’s critical to connect with a (female) mentor who can offer support and insight about your experience. Things changed significantly for me once I figured this out.
Here’s what I’ve learned about mentors:
⭐ The best mentors are those who are a few steps ahead of you or doing what you want to be doing.
⭐They won’t always have the answers but they will listen and cheer you on as you find the right answer for you.
⭐And the best way to find a mentor is simply by reaching out and having a conversation. That’s it. Nothing formal, just reach out and chat.
❓ Do you have a mentor? How did you find yours? How do they help you?
*Pic is a throwback to 2016, when I was already tired of people telling my daughter to be a “good girl.”